I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
