I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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