hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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