the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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