I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you will always have a special place in my vag
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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