last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Threesome in a minivan. New low
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
