so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
