"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i drank out of a bidet.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
