Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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