i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
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Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
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you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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