xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
