I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
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