just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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