I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
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I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
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This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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