haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
