I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I need moral support for this bender
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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