He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
