i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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