Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
