You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize