hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
