My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize