I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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