So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
