her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
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Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
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He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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