I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
