I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
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when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
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Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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