I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
