not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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