Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
