my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
