It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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