I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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