I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Randomize
