why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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