Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
