You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
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he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
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I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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