New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
