we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
