i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I have post one night stand depression
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
