I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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