I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
