u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
