Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
