...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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