And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
