$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
