That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
