margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize