So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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