I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
