toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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