just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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