I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
