I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
