If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
