I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
