i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.