im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!