my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
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We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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