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• (310): View more from California

  its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off

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• (631): View more from New York

  By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.

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• (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  cat food counts as protein by the way

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• (561): View more from Florida

  His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.

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  21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard

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• (815): View more from Illinois

  Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.

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  27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst

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• (956): View more from Texas

  You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"

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• (760): View more from California

  So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.

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• (916): View more from California

  Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.

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• (240): View more from Maryland

  This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.

  (1-240): View more from Maryland

  You've ruined popcorn for me.

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