I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
