i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
